"So You Think Gettin' Old Is Funny, Eh?":

NAME THAT TUNE

For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:

Paul Simon-- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon-- "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees-- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack-- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash-- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations-- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra-- "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA-- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer-- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores-- "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem-- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles-- "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Steely Dan-- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits-- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones-- "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival-- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye-- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who-- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs-- "Bald Thing"

Sonny Derdock '70

Comments Made in 1957:

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"

(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with sayingdamn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."

(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."

(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."

(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." Sherry Bennett '70

What a difference 31 years makes: 1971: Passing the drivers' test 2002: Passing the vision test 1971: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1971: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1971: KEG 2002: EKG 1971: Acid rock 2002: Acid reflux 1971: Moving to California or Florida because it's cool 2002: Moving to California or Florida because it's warm 1971: Growing pot 2002: Growing pot belly 1971: Popping pills, smoking joints 2002: Popping joints 1971: Killer weed 2002: Weed killer 1971: Hoping for a BMW 2002: Hoping for a BM 1971: The Grateful Dead 2002: Dr. Kevorkian 1971: Going to a new, hip joint 2002: Receiving a new hip joint 1971: Rolling Stones 2002: Kidney Stones 1971: Being called into the principal's office 2002: Calling the principal's office 1971: Down with the system 2002: Upgrade the system 1971: Disco 2002: Costco 1971: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1971: Taking acid 2002: Taking antacid 1971: Hoping to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

DENISE MULLEN '71

OLD IS WHEN...

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of
your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. "Getting a little action" means I don't need to
take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

SonnyDerdock '70

25 Signs That
You're Getting Old.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

You're proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for The Weather Channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

SHARON WILLIAMS